Meet the X-Pirates

(Originally appeared on Sports-Central.org, 2004)

In the last off-season, the Anaheim Angels signed outfielder Vladimir Guerrero and Bartolo Colon, leading to speculation that the 2002 World Series champions might return to those heights. And the moves appear to be working – the Angels have the best record in baseball.

The Houston Astros, Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox made major upgrades to their pitching staffs and the New York Yankees signed Alex Rodriguez, all to keep up with the perceived championship standard.

But it’s possible that none of them are the best team in baseball.

Actually, the team that might be the best in baseball exists not in real life, but in the land of “couldabeen,” as in: “The Pirates “couldabeen” a great team this year if they “coulda” kept some players.

The talent that has gone through Pittsburgh over the last dozen years or so has been staggering. So staggering, in fact, that a team comprised entirely of Pirates castoffs might be the league’s best.

Don’t believe it? Well, imagine, if you will, a batting order anchored with Barry Bonds hitting third, Brian Giles fourth, Aramis Ramirez fifth and Moises Alou sixth. Even if leadoff hitter Tony Womack is standing on second base with one out, no pitcher is going to walk Bonds with Giles, Alou and Ramirez waiting in the dugout.

In that kind of a batting order, Bonds could end up with 200 RBI and 100 home runs.

So, just for a bit of fun, here’s your 2004 X-Pirates. The team’s lone roster requirement is that the player was once Pirate property, either on the minor league or major league level, and isn’t any more.

The choice of manager comes down to the only three living former Pirate managers – Chuck Tanner, Jim Leyland and Gene Lamont. As the general manager, I’m eliminating Lamont, because he is a long-distance call from my house.

Tanner and Leyland are – honest – local calls. And given our finances, that has to be a consideration. After flipping a coin, which came up tails, I decided to go with Tanner.

Here to announce the team will be Milo Hamilton, the Houston Astros’ play-by-play announcer. He worked in Pittsburgh for a few years in the mid-1970s, when he was wildly unpopular because he had the gall to not be the legendary Bob Prince, his immediate predecessor.

Hamilton did OK for himself, though. He was inducted into the broadcasters’ wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame. In what might have been the first example of a Pirates’ pattern replacing a superstar with someone not as talented, Lanny Frattare took Hamilton’s place.

Frattare, whose best broadcasting decision was not to be Milo Hamilton, isn’t likely to follow Hamilton into Cooperstown. In fact, Frattare is probably best known for confusing James Earl Ray, the man convicted of killing the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, with actor James Earl Jones.

This is an absolutely true story, even though it sounds like something Bob Uecker’s character would have done in one of the “Major League” movies. When word went out over the wires in 1998 that Ray had died, Frattare, who was broadcasting an afternoon game, waxed nostalgic over what a wonderful job Ray had done in the movie “Field of Dreams.”

So here’s Milo, with the X-Pirates’ lineup (All hitting statistics are official as of May 28. Pitching stats are official as of June 3):

Leadoff hitter will be shortstop Womack (.277 batting average, .320 on-base percentage, 12 stolen bases with St. Louis). Second baseman Pokey Reese (.248 BA, 2 HR, 17 RBI with Boston) would probably hit in the second slot, if only because the rest of the starting lineup – and most of the bench – is packed with run producers.

Starting with Bonds (.348, 12 HR, 25 RBI with San Francisco) playing left field and hitting in the third spot the X-Pirates have the kind of lineup that makes the 1927 Yankees Murderers’ Row look like, well, the 2004 Pittsburgh Pirates. Center fielder Giles (a notoriously slow starter hitting .278 with 10 HR and 31 RBI with San Diego) will hit cleanup, followed by third baseman Ramirez (.294 BA, 10 HR and 35 RBI for Chicago).

Another present-day Cub, Moises Alou (.315 BA, 12 HR, 31 RBI) hits sixth. Alou was in the Pirates’ minor-league system and even made his major-league debut with Pittsburgh in 1990 before being traded to Montreal. He’ll play first because the X-Pirates have too many talented outfielders, and Moises drew the short straw.

Jose Guillen, the Angels’ cannon-armed right fielder is next – and how many teams are going to have a No. 7 hitter batting.311 with 10 home runs and 38 RBI?

The No. 8 hitter, Keith Osik, is the only real hole in the lineup. Osik, who is no longer in the major leagues, was hitting only .080 when the Orioles released him earlier this season. But this lineup can afford one weak spot, and the X-Pirates have to have a catcher.

During the off-season, the X-Pirates looked ready to acquire Jason Kendall, who would have been a .300 hitter for the second slot in the batting order. But the real-life Pirates’ trade with San Diego fell through when the Padres wouldn’t pay enough of Kendall’s remaining salary under his Pirates’ contract.

Osik will play catcher, unless Kendall joins the fold later this season, and those of us in the X-Pirates’ front office are hopeful.

The bench will include infielders Joe Randa (.276 BA, 2 HR, 17 RBI for Kansas City), Matt Stairs (.273 BA, 6 HR and 18 RBI), Wil Cordero (.213 BA, 1 HR, 6 RBI for Florida) and the Angels’ Raul Mondesi (.283 BA, 2 HR, 14 RBI) .

Kenny Lofton (.278 BA, .369 OBP) will get one or two starts in center field every week. The rest of the bench will include Cordero and Mondesi.

And if you thought the hitting was impressive, just wait until you see the pitching.

The first three are as good as any in baseball, save the Astros, Cubs and Red Sox. Jason Schmidt (6-2, 2.57 ERA for a slumping San Francisco team after going 17-5 in 2003) is the ace, followed closely by Esteban Loaiza (6-3, 3.78 ERA, 21-9 in 2003, for the White Sox). The No. 3 is knuckleballer Tim Wakefield (4-3, 3.59 ERA).

Jon Lieber – who had 20 wins in 2001, his last full season – is the fourth starter. He is 4-2 with a 4.43 ERA this year for the Yankees.

A couple of guys will shuttle between fifth starter and long relief for the X-Pirates. But Wakefield, who won’t need a lot of rest because he doesn’t throw hard, will probably go on three days rest once in a while, so the X-Pirates don’t need to use the fifth starter.

Tanner, who once used knuckleballer Wilbur Wood in both ends of a doubleheader, understands that.

Fifth starters will be drawn, on a hot-hand basis, from a field including Todd Van Poppel (2-2, 4.31 ERA for Cincinnati), Bronson Arroyo (2-3, 5.33 ERA for Boston) and Elmer Dessens (1-4, 6.45 ERA for Arizona).

Dan Miceli (2-2, 3.74 ERA for Houston) will be the lead closer. In 1995, when he was with – who else? – Pittsburgh, he had 21 saves. But he’s getting a little long in the tooth, so he’ll be getting help from Mike Lincoln (3-2, 5.19 ERA with St. Louis) and Jason Christiansen (1-1, 3.60 ERA for San Francisco.

The fifth starter and closer are, along with catcher, the weak links on this team, but (as with catcher) help is expected later this season, when the Pirates are likely to trade away pitcher Kris Benson and resurgent closer Jose Mesa.

It’s a pretty safe bet that no baseball city has seen as much talent pass into – and out – of town as Pittsburgh.

One reason has been finances. Giles, Ramirez and Bonds were shipped out of town because Pittsburgh couldn’t pay the freight. But in other cases – Alou, Schmidt and the Angels’ Jose Guillen – the talent diaspora was the result of highly touted prospects who didn’t pan out until they got into other teams’ uniforms.

Of course, the reasons aren’t important. The important part is that those players, because of mismanagement and baseball’s financial structure, aren’t electrifying fans in PNC Park.

Except when they are in the visitors’ dugout.